Zenjaran's Xanga

Work Work

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 20:52:28 GMT

So, after working all last weekend, and not being able to take monday + tuesday off like i planned,
i was hoping to atleast take half of friday off. Of course on thursday morning, one of my clients called
and he'd had a thunderstrike in his server, so i had to order a new server for him, and today ( friday ) install
it. Managed to get home around 7-ish, not half bad i guess, but given that i was aiming for 12, it kinda sucked.
But hey ! Its the weekend now, a few days for rest ( yeah, right ) and then its back to full-speed.

Trying to find a place to live, I'm so tired of living with my parents, but unless i find a decent place, what am i going to do ?? yeah, exactly zip. Thought i'd found a decent house, but realised it was meant to be a summer vacation-home and not really prepared for winter, so no house for me. Atleast there.. I really want a place with a good basement so i can build a proper server-space. I really need somewhere to set up an experimental cluster etc. AND i need to get myself a photo-development lab.. main problem is i want to be able to develop digital images.. i guess its a bit hard to make that in a home environment, but hey, problems exist to be overcome right ? :) I have some ideas how it can be solved, but i need to try it out before i set out any details...

Well, off to install a linux media-laptop. Have fun my friends

Ps. See ? Normal blogging.. I'm kind of impressed myself, i'll try to keep this thing up to date, and might even start adding some proper info here.
Ds.

Fresh Start of some sort.

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 04:43:57 GMT

So, I've been thinking, why do I only write here when I'm feeling down ?
Probably because I don't feel I have the time. Of course, the whole concept of "not having time" seems
kind of fabricated to me. I'll try and get some meaningful things in here instead. Can't write much more right
now, seeing as how I need to get to work. So, a solemn wove, starting tomorrow, I'll do my best to keep
this here thing updated, with the various things about me. We'll see how that goes, ey ?

Anyway, off to work I go.

The End

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 00:00:47 GMT

So this is the end, i can't take any more, so i plain and simple give up.

Let the fasad fall, let the masquerade end. I am not happy as your friend, I'm not even fooling my self anymore. I want you back. Simple as that. But you say it wouldn't work, so fine, I give up. I wish you all the happiness with your new boyfriend ( or whatever he is ), for you deserve to be truely happy. You say you've ruined for your self in the past because you don't want to loose me. Well, newsflash, you will loose me. I'm sorry, but it's the bitter truth, I cannot be your friend, I've tried that for so long, It doesn't work. But knowing myself, i'll go back to wearing a mask, pretending everything is ok, because after all, why should I still hurt from loosing you ey ? I don't think people realise how deep our bond go, I think you have come to realise that, and thats probably all that matters. We know what it is, and why it is there. But still, nomatter what pain I feel, tomorrow, or the day after, I will be back where I was, pretending to be your friend, pretending everything is great. IT'S NOT GREAT ! IT'S FUCKED UP!, There, I had to get that part out.

So to continue the rambling ( Yes, I have sincere doubts that this is anything aside from rambling, there is no structure what so ever. ). I realised after I dropped you off why i had been so happy all day. It was because I was going to see you. That's the pure naked reality. I Love you ! unconditionally, and fully. But yeah, You don't want me back, so what am I supposed to do ? I'll move away, I'll hope you find happiness, and that I will one day find someone to love like I love You.

You know, I don't think I care about anything anymore. I've finally lost the last shred of sanity.

Good bye my friends, the daniel you knew is fading away, soon he will be gone. And then you will meet the new me, the cold, uncaring me. It is my last defense, all else has failed, I have no option but to remove myself from my emotions, before I go insane.

A good night to you all, and may god, or whatever diety you pray to, watch over you and guard you.

I'm Going to hell, who's coming with me ?

Sun, 19 Nov 2006 17:39:06 GMT

So, i realised today that i am stuck..
so how am i stuck, one might ask. Well, let me take a while to try and explain it. I am partially stuck in the past, because i can't seem to let it go, i can't seem to move forward, in the direction i want/need to go. Also, i seem to be stuck in this room. No matter what i try, i can't seem to get out. I'm also stuck inside my own head, and thats probably the worst part. No matter where i go, im still with me..

It's not so strange that i am alone, when even I can't stand me...

Oh well, i guess i should go do something productive, like putting paper in a pile or something.

Till next we meet, fare you well, and may the evil that befouls my mind stay clear of you, my friends.

A thin dark Line

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 22:36:34 GMT

Walking on a very thin dark line,
The edge of a black hole,
Taking each step carefully not to fall down,
Yet there are things pushing me,
closer and closer to the edge.

I wonder if they want me to fall in,
It would probably solve alot of things,
Make things easier for some,
For me most of all i guess, no more worry
No more pain. No more dark thoughts.

I have seen what lies beyond that rim,
Sweet and utter complete oblivion,
No more regrets, No more "What if"s
Just pure beautiful Nothingness

So now i go to take in a small part
of that nothingness through sleep.
I do not sleep much, if indeed at all.
I haven't done in a long time now,
but when i do fall asleep it is into
that sweet oblivion, almost beyond
the line, not quite, but very, very close

And No, its not supposed to be poetry, well not in the traditional sense, its just a way of writing that i have developed over the years, it follows no proper rules, and it quite probably sucks, stricktly litterally speaking, but i don't care, i need towrite every now and then, and how i write is completely up to me, and ifanyone feels offended then my honest oppinion is that you can kiss my ass.

To make things a bit more clear, I don't care about anything, i have lost faith in humanity, in the well-meaning of man. We're all egoistic bastards anyway.

To quote Mr. Marshal Mathers aka Eminem,

"I'm going to hell, Who's coming with me ?

Good night, and may sleep bring you happy dreams, or perhaps lack of dreams.
Sometimes that might be the greatest gift you can recieve.

Morituri te Salutant!

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 16:57:34 GMT

Ok, so I'm not about to die, but it was nevertheless a fitting subject.

I've gotten a new job ( started last monday ), so been quite focused on that for a week now ( it's alot of new things to take in etc ), so thats quite nice.

However, my emotional self, let's call it Ducky for simplicity, is completely void of anything resembling rationality. Ducky jumps from happyness, to lonelyness, to total despair, all without prior warning or with due reason.

To be quite honest, I think Ducky still sees himself as a 5-year old, since alot of his reactions to various things are quite childish. Do not ask me why, I lost control of Ducky a long time ago. I thought I had regained some of it, but I'm beginning to think I was wrong.

Well, back to the darkness that shadows the foundations of my life.

Ps.
I'm not 5, I'm 6! Signed / Ducky

Once, there was this...

Tue, 03 Oct 2006 06:03:43 GMT

Ages since i updated here, probably cause i never remember to

Or just cause i generally have nothing to say except when im feeling down.

Woke up this morning, and it just felt like the world had decided to stop

whatever it was doing and attack me. I have no idea why, it just feels that way

I can't shake this feeling of inadequecy, of not being what i could or should be.

That people seem to expect things from me that im not capable of producing.

Not right now.. I thought this shadow was lifted from my heart, but it turned out

it had just changed form. Evolved into something more than a mere shade.

There are days, when i feel it would be best for everyone if i just dissappeared,

vanished somewhere, where noone would be bothered by me again. Where i could

be who i want to be, not what everyone expects me to be.

IM NOT PERFECT ! I NEVER WILL BE !

God, people pushing me towards something is only driving me away, making me want

to fail. Not because it would give me any kind of satisfaction, but out of spite, out of

something very close to hate. Not hate towards the people who are pushing me ( tho they

may not realise it ) but towards the thing im becoming because of it. Funny how it

can make me want to become the one thing i hate.

Enough ranting, time to try and clear up my life. Make thigns the way i WANT them to be.

Not that i will succeed, but still. It's worth a shot, One more try. After that, we'll see.....

A Shade of Sorrow

Sat, 22 Apr 2006 20:30:24 GMT

A Shade of Sorrow Colours my Heart.
A Hint of Pain, Tainting the Love.
A Touch of Darkness, on the Cloudless Sky.

I Would Love, But for the Warning in my Mind,
Is it Real, Is it Love this Time ?

Only Your Touch, can soothe This Pain.
Only Your Love, can Mend This Harm.
Only Your Hand, can Shatter these Doubts.

Yet A Shade of Sorrow, Colours my Heart.

Fucking poor excuse for a day

Thu, 23 Mar 2006 17:05:19 GMT

/ranting start

I HATE THIS FUCKING DAY

Bah. First up i forgot to go cash out the tickets for the hockey semi-finals
that i was supposed to get at the latest today. Then when i tried calling,
i ended up spending 30 minutes in a phone-queue, just to be dissconnected
and when i call again they tell me their phone-hours is over.
And just to top it off, i had my car in to exchange the cam-belt and after i got
it i drove for like 20 minutes, then Boom. there was a big bang, and the engine
started going like shit and died. Turned out to be nothing dangerous, just the air
hose from the intercooler that the mechanic hadn't fastened as he should.
but still. Thought the cambelt had jumped loose and the engine gone ca-boom.

All in all, i hate this fucking day. period.

Now im gonna try and get a hold of my erh.. well ex whom im dating...
she's the only one that can really get my spirits up... *misses*

Off I go

/ranting end

Where do you go ?

Sun, 26 Feb 2006 07:38:16 GMT

Where do you go, when it feels like life is draining ?
Who do you talk to, when it feels like everyone is laughing at you ?
How do you look someone in the eyes, when all you want to do is kiss them ?
And why, oh why, can't I find peace ?